Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Two holes are better then one

Two holes are better then one!

When you have so much money that you are swimming in it like Uncle Scrooge, you start to get creative with your investments and extra circular activities. A new series of TV spots from DraftFCB Chicago combined a fist full of cash, groups of pressured marketing interests and a hard addiction to double penetration to come out with the newest innovation in beer science: Punch Top Cans. The beer chugging apparatus follows on the heels of the Vortex bottles which, if anyone remembers, were an equal amount of "oh, that is interesting and useless."
Miller has a crack team of marketing professionals that were likely hard at work, slugging through hours of boring office work by browsing the net finding a man who chugs a lot of beer, work related material combined with the Hustler DP magazine and voila! Two holes ARE better then one- lets make money off that too.
Media bistro speculates that suppprting market research went something like this: 
 “In our study, seven out of 10 brospondants said that when they shotgun cans of cheap beer to the amusement and horror of their friends, they opt for Miller Lite. Of those that answered positively, four out of five said that they have been wounded by the jagged aluminum the occurs in the wake of puncturing the can with their car keys, which reportedly ‘hurts like a bitch.’

The DraftFCB's spot displays hordes of everyday, average folks having above average amounts of fun with below average amounts of body fat and undeniable urges to use whatever is available to punch, crack, and drool while opening holes in areas that should otherwise be left untouched. At no point does a female grab a can of water beer, stab at it with lipgloss and try to formulate a faster way to get the substance into her belly, woman don't usually yearn for extra openings when there is a perfectly working and readily accessible one. Even if the blatantly obvious references to pornographic positions isn't applied to the Punch Top Can, we are still left with the sad fact that shot gunning beers is a parlor trick, amusing due to its lack of social acceptance.

What is next? Hoist-able keg stand chairs?

If you ever dreamed of putting your head under a beer tap, then now is your chance to recreate the feeling! Open your sloppy maw, by pass the palate and drench your innards with purified water, highlighted with malt flavors. Once you've had your fill, throw up and repeat! Thank you once again Miller, as this rivals the Vortex Bottle for gold medal in complete waste of scientific concentration. 

Does anyone want to put in a bet for their next invention?

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